Waiting for the click
I guess I am here because of the wonderful blog by SoberMummy, well because of that and the fact that my body no longer fits me.
As I sit here I can feel parts of me touching other parts that shouldn't be anywhere near each other - stomach rolls onto the tops of my thighs. Back and side fat rubbing against the inside of my arms. My inside thighs pushing against each over, lack of space forcing them up creating little mounds in my lap.
Parts of my body stick to each other that really shouldn't do. My mind still hasn't adjusted to quite how big I am. I think I can fit through gaps that I can't. I see images of people celebrating drastic weight loss and have to do a double take when I realise that I am at the 'before' weight.
And I am so very, very unhappy.
What has this got to do with SoberMummy? Well today is my 48th day of not drinking. This is probably the longest I have ever gone without drinking for two decades. During those two decades I had many fantasies of being the sort of person who didn't need to drink, for me not drinking had so many positive associations.
I envisaged that the sort of person who didn't drink was calm, confident, at peace, healthy - I knew that was what I wanted. In fact, I would have various spurts where I stopped drinking and waited for the new me to emerge. It never did. I simply sat, feeling deprived. (Except once, where I managed to have an amazing sober time at a party and that memory has kept me going quite a few of the first days of my new sober life).
The first time I did sober January I lasted 9 days. The second time I lasted for the whole month but had a rather large financial motivation, plus was secretly looking forward to how little I would need to drink in order to get drunk come February 1st.
So between SoberMummey, Jason Vale and some other stuff that clearly has happened to me I have stopped drinking and I am so much happier. I used to drink a bottle of wine a day during the week and easily more at the weekend. But, something has clicked and now I am thoroughly enjoying being sober.
What I don't understand is why, when my motivation to lose weight is just as strong as to stop drinking I am still waiting for the click.
I could do meal plans, sign up for diets, write unrealistically ambitious targets for exercise each week but I know, I know, I know that it wouldn't work. Despite my unhappiness, despite my physical discomfort, despite knowing and worrying about the health implications, despite feeling in my core that losing weight would make me so very much happier there is something stopping me. I am still waiting for that click.
I'm hoping that this blog will help me find it.
As I sit here I can feel parts of me touching other parts that shouldn't be anywhere near each other - stomach rolls onto the tops of my thighs. Back and side fat rubbing against the inside of my arms. My inside thighs pushing against each over, lack of space forcing them up creating little mounds in my lap.
Parts of my body stick to each other that really shouldn't do. My mind still hasn't adjusted to quite how big I am. I think I can fit through gaps that I can't. I see images of people celebrating drastic weight loss and have to do a double take when I realise that I am at the 'before' weight.
And I am so very, very unhappy.
What has this got to do with SoberMummy? Well today is my 48th day of not drinking. This is probably the longest I have ever gone without drinking for two decades. During those two decades I had many fantasies of being the sort of person who didn't need to drink, for me not drinking had so many positive associations.
I envisaged that the sort of person who didn't drink was calm, confident, at peace, healthy - I knew that was what I wanted. In fact, I would have various spurts where I stopped drinking and waited for the new me to emerge. It never did. I simply sat, feeling deprived. (Except once, where I managed to have an amazing sober time at a party and that memory has kept me going quite a few of the first days of my new sober life).
The first time I did sober January I lasted 9 days. The second time I lasted for the whole month but had a rather large financial motivation, plus was secretly looking forward to how little I would need to drink in order to get drunk come February 1st.
So between SoberMummey, Jason Vale and some other stuff that clearly has happened to me I have stopped drinking and I am so much happier. I used to drink a bottle of wine a day during the week and easily more at the weekend. But, something has clicked and now I am thoroughly enjoying being sober.
What I don't understand is why, when my motivation to lose weight is just as strong as to stop drinking I am still waiting for the click.
I could do meal plans, sign up for diets, write unrealistically ambitious targets for exercise each week but I know, I know, I know that it wouldn't work. Despite my unhappiness, despite my physical discomfort, despite knowing and worrying about the health implications, despite feeling in my core that losing weight would make me so very much happier there is something stopping me. I am still waiting for that click.
I'm hoping that this blog will help me find it.
Comments
Post a Comment