Disconnected and stuck
This new body is not mine. I don't recognise the way it feels, how it moves, how it fits and folds into space.
I keep getting stuck to myself.....or I should say that my body keeps getting stuck to itself because my body and myself are not the same entities.
Sometimes I have to lift my arm up to rearrange the flesh which has got trapped by my side. As I sit here I can feel the bottom of my breasts resting on the round, firm roll of my stomach. The fabric of my shorts gently pulling round my thighs which spread generously across the train seat.
There are times when I stroke and feel my stomach, because I am so unfamiliar with its new density, its volume, the way it moves in rhythm with my walk.
I am expanding. I am taking up more and more space. My skin is growing, stretching to hold in the waves of fat that I am cloaked in.
My body is not big enough to accommodate its new size, it is literally crushing itself. When I sit down the weight of my stomach pushes against itself, so I fidget, and stretch and readjust myself to no avail, because the simple truth is; I am too big for myself.
One of the draws to sobriety was the idea of being connected to my body. Alcohol disrupts your brain chemistry, and alters neural pathways. The cycle of being drunk, then hungover, then drunk again means you never actually know what your 'normal' state is - physically or mentally. I wanted to find that out. I wanted my body to speak to me, for me to know exactly what it needed in terms of comfort, nourishment, support, activity.
But my body has remained silent.
Except it hasn't because my body has been telling me to eat and eat. My body (and I include my mind / brain in this) has needed food for some reason. It has sought it out - not simply to sate my appetite, or to provide fuel - but to meet some need that I have. I don't know what that need is but I do know that it is there and it needs to be listened to. I just don't know how to do that.
Until I do, and until I reconnect with my body I will never be at peace with food, or my weight.
(Today I weighed in at my heaviest......13st 13lbs)
I keep getting stuck to myself.....or I should say that my body keeps getting stuck to itself because my body and myself are not the same entities.
Sometimes I have to lift my arm up to rearrange the flesh which has got trapped by my side. As I sit here I can feel the bottom of my breasts resting on the round, firm roll of my stomach. The fabric of my shorts gently pulling round my thighs which spread generously across the train seat.
There are times when I stroke and feel my stomach, because I am so unfamiliar with its new density, its volume, the way it moves in rhythm with my walk.
I am expanding. I am taking up more and more space. My skin is growing, stretching to hold in the waves of fat that I am cloaked in.
My body is not big enough to accommodate its new size, it is literally crushing itself. When I sit down the weight of my stomach pushes against itself, so I fidget, and stretch and readjust myself to no avail, because the simple truth is; I am too big for myself.
One of the draws to sobriety was the idea of being connected to my body. Alcohol disrupts your brain chemistry, and alters neural pathways. The cycle of being drunk, then hungover, then drunk again means you never actually know what your 'normal' state is - physically or mentally. I wanted to find that out. I wanted my body to speak to me, for me to know exactly what it needed in terms of comfort, nourishment, support, activity.
But my body has remained silent.
Except it hasn't because my body has been telling me to eat and eat. My body (and I include my mind / brain in this) has needed food for some reason. It has sought it out - not simply to sate my appetite, or to provide fuel - but to meet some need that I have. I don't know what that need is but I do know that it is there and it needs to be listened to. I just don't know how to do that.
Until I do, and until I reconnect with my body I will never be at peace with food, or my weight.
(Today I weighed in at my heaviest......13st 13lbs)
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