Day 55

It is now 55 days since I stopped drinking. I have tried many, many, many times before to moderate my drinking. I have tried a few times to stop for short periods (Dry January etc). It has always been unsuccessful, and horrible. I would be miserable, angry and feel extremely hard done to.
Attempting to moderate just made me want alcohol even more - it become the forbidden fruit, desirable because I wasn't allowed to have it.

This time however has been so different and I'm trying to understand why. Obviously there have been times where I've had cravings but those have been so short and easily managed. Previously, just the idea of  not being 'allowed' alcohol would make me tense and desperate for a glass of wine. I wouldn't be able to relax if there wasn't something to drink in the house, and I had to know that there was enough - the horror of running out but being unable to drive to get more was unfathomable. And of course if there was alcohol in the house then it would get drunk so essentially I was restocking everyday.

Despite having regular periods where I would try to stop or moderate my drinking I still felt that it was serving some sort of purpose, that it was bringing something of value to my life, and that I would miss it desperately if it was gone.

I behave in exactly the same way with food, well I behave that way with food which I'm 'not allowed'.

When I'm in the shops buying something for dinner I always pick up something chocolately / sweet in case I want it later. I find the idea of being at home knowing that there is the risk of wanting something but there being nothing is extremely stressful. So I buy 'in case' and then I eat it because it would a) be a waste not to and b) it needs to be gone so that I can 'start again' tomorrow. I don't know why I don't just throw it in the bin.

Likewise, when I am trying to 'be good' I end up eating more of what I'm meant to be resisting because suddenly it's desirability has increased tenfold. So, I'll decide that I am going to 'be good' then come the evening I am in the shop and I feel the need to buy some chocolate just in case.....so then my 'being good' has to start the next day so I need to make sure that not only have I removed (otherwise known as eating) the bad food, I also decide that I might as well really enjoy it by eating far more than I ever intended because tomorrow I start all over again.

So, I need to somehow change my thinking around food in the same way as I have around alcohol. I honestly never, ever thought I would be happy not drinking. But, this has been so incredibly easy compared to previous attempts at stopping. If only there was some way to replicate this change in how I feel with food.

But, I guess that is why I am still waiting for the click.

(One small note of progress though.........normally when I get a Mcdonalds I get a large meal, a double cheeseburger, 6 chicken nuggets, a milk shake and possibly a mcflurry thing. On Friday after a 4 hour drive when we all stopped for food. I got a medium meal. My niece got some nuggets but didn't want them so, I ended up throwing them away. I didn't eat them, nor did I buy my own. I didn't get a mcflurry or the extra double cheeseburger. And you know what - it was OK).